How Not To Create a NonSue
by The-Erinaceous-Nihilarians
Summary: A guide to our wonderful little friend Mary, and all the complicated works and tricks behind her... not to be taken seriously, ok? please r&r!
1. Introduction

_**Disclaimer: WE are VERY, VERY sorry to Luna for practically stealing her idea, we wanted to do a more detailed account of Mary sues and apologise a thousand times if she thinks we're copycats…meow **_

The Introduction

**We've written the introduction! Time for a tea break!**

Welcome to the wonderfully magnificent guide to how not to write a non-sue. We will be funnelling the following aspects into your brain:

**(JAm, quick, go fetch the funnel!)**

Names  
>Appearance<br>Movement and Elegance  
>Speech<br>Descriptions  
>Personality<br>Other characters  
>Garry Stues, I mean, good male characters…<br>Triggers and Hissy fits  
>Self-esteem issues<br>Tips and Extras  
>Afterword<p>

**CouldBe: TEA BREAK!  
>JAm: No wait, we've forgotten something! You go get the biscuits ready, I'll be there in a moment.<strong>

We hope you enjoy and use the information we give you in this brilliant guide, bladiblaadiblaadiblaa.

**CouldBe: I'm guessing you improvised…?  
>JAm: I was TRYING to…<strong>

**HOW DARE YOU RUSH THE INTRO LIKE THAT!**

**JAm: who on EARTH are YOU?  
>CouldBe: and what about our tea break?<strong>

**I AM YOUR MANAGER/SLAVEDRIVER!**

**CouldBe: I'm pretty sure slavery is illegal these days…  
>JAm: *kicks CB* Uh…yes Really tall, fat dude with studs in his nose, a bald head, brown teeth, tattoos up his arms, a whip in his one hand and a knife in the other…<br>CouldBE: I. WANT. MY. TEABREAK!**

_**Real author's notes: since the story will be riddled with our pointless comments, we have been driven to putting the REAL author's notes into italics. We apologise to anyone who is inconvenienced by this and blame it entirely on our new manager/slave driver who, by the way, writes wonderful *ehem* Stue fics. **_

_**If you liked it REVIEW! And if you didn't REVIEW ANYWAY! And if you don't have an opinion, REVIEW TWICE!**_


	2. Names

Names

You are writing to feel special. Therefore, your CHARACTER must be special. It follows that the name, also, must be special. Oh, and unique.

To accomplish this, you must go through five – yes, FIVE – stages.

Stage one:  
>To create a first name perfect for your (perfect) character, you must go back to the age-old tradition of naming after certain qualities of your (perfect) character's (perfect) appearance. Perfect characters <strong>*Cough Mary sue cough*<strong> have the most talented parents who are able to tell what their child's eye colour or personality is going to be like before they have even been born, therefor suitable suggestions could be as follows:

Emerald Ash Hazel Sapphire sky Ivy Violet ***snigger multi-coloured snigger* **  
>Angel Deville Joy <strong>*snigger manically depressed* <strong>Regina Beauty ***Kleptomaniac?***

Your (perfect) character is a (perfectly) special character and usually born with hair, so you can name her after that too! Normal Parents would unfortunately have to call their children things such as:

Baldy, Baldette, Baldina, Balderella, Balderry, Balderic, Baldic, Baldward, Baldson, Baldiet, Baldess, pink'n'fleshy, hairless, Indistinguishable, Balde, Hairy-lesse, hair-notyetter or even Missintheirhair

Though you may prefer to call your character something along the lines of Ebony, Raven, Midnight or Ivory**. JAm: Ivory? that must be a REALLY blonde blonde CouldBe: nah, it's when they have horns growing out of their head… **

We have chosen Raven for one of our two examples.

Stage two:  
>Now, you must add an amazing noun to go with the adjective you have chosen. It must also reflect her personality, looks, or general awesomeness.<p>

In our example 'Raven' we have chosen to add 'Wing'. On our other character 'Magpie' with 'Glitter'.

If you want to, you could even add an extra one or two nouns or adjectives.

Raven Wing Mist

Magpie Glitter Gleam

Stage three:  
>Next you must add yet another noun except that THIS noun MUST end with a suffix (-ness, -ious, -ence…) such as darkness, mistiness, mysterious, gracious…etc.<p>

Our (perfect) character's names are now:

Raven Wing Mist Innocence  
>Magpie Glitter Gleam Shininess<br>**Guest star: Misty Mist Mist Mistyness**

Stage four:  
><strong>pointless apostrophe alert!<strong> Next you must 'accessorise' your name with a beautiful component called apostrophe.  
>Our (perfect) characters:<p>

Ra'ven Wing Mist Inno'cence  
>Magpie Gli'tter Gleam Shi'ni'ness<br>**Guest star: Mi's't'y M'''ist Mis't Misty'nes's**

It is best not to put more than two apostrophes to four names.

Stage five:  
>Admire your name, ignore any comments about it and tell as many people as you can about your epic character coming up in your next fanfic.<p>

TIP: remember to take as MUCH time as possible to choose the name; it is one of the most important factors in your story.

_**HYA! We're back in the slopy style! YAY! CouldBe here wondering WHY WE'RE not getting enough REVIEWS! AAAAAGH! *head explodes***_

_**YAY! jAm here! She's right though, we DON'T get enough reviews… There aren't enough to go around. I went hungry last night :(!**_

_**RUBBISH! You sat up all night eating my biscuits you overgrown Teflon Pot! And they were meant to be for the tea break too!**_

_**I MEANT the REVIEWS, you NON-TEFLON POT!**_

_**! NOT THE NON-TEFLON POT!**_


	3. Appearance

Appearance

There is only one rule when it comes to your (flawless) character's appearance, and that is, that everything has to be enhanced into brilliance. Forget the ginger, pale freckled nightmare you had stored in a notebook, write yourself a brand new girl with blazing flame-coloured hair and rosy cheeks. A black haired, pasty faced emo? Not a CHANCE! Meet long, midnight-black, curly-haired Goth-girl! And don't you dare pull out a blonde! If she has not got honey-gold or sunshine-coloured hair **(apparently you're also allowed to make up colours just to suit your (flawless) character!)**, you won't get anywhere.

Now that we have gotten passed the hair (brunettes are not suggestible as they are dull and unoriginal **(say WHAT?) **however, if you have the undying urge to make your (flawless) character brown-haired, add something unique such as bronze tips or blonde streaks **(or giraffe patterns and quotes from Einstein)**) we can now continue to the eyes.

Instead of green, brown, blue or grey, consider 'glass-like green', 'beige-gold', 'electric blue', 'sky blue', 'light blue', 'almost black', 'almost white'. No matter how unusual the eye colour you can make it seem pretty by adding helpful adjectives such as 'fascinatingly beautiful', 'pretty but unusual' and other combinations of the kind.

Don't forget that your character must have impossibly long eyelashes and very high cheek bones.

The mouth and nose can be described in whatever way you deem appropriate, the chin also, and after the long neck, perfect body and slim long legs, your pretty much fit for your (flawless) characters clothes. **(*long drawn sigh* Yay?)**

Well, children, I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, 'these clothes must be practical and normal for this universe, they must be logically possible and fit my character's taste'. WRONG!

You see, your (flawless) character is SPECIAL. She may wear any clothes she likes and still be perfectly suited to any task, and, being your character, she may have, say, a medieval dress in the modern world, or, as a self-insert, a tiny tank top and skirt in Alagaesia. Alternatively, she may have been born there, in which case she may wear leather and leggings.

As to your (flawless) character's taste, isn't she YOUR (flawless) character? Therefore, she has your taste, and will like anything you do.

These clothes must now be described extensively, and, of course, demonstrate your (flawless) character's impeccable looks, like so:

'_Raven leaned at her bedroom window, sighing delicately, her tight-fitting leggings stretching as she did, demonstrating her long, pale legs as she tugged at the hem of her black-red T-shirt, which accentuated her perfect curves nicely __**(of course)**__, and flipped her raven-black hair __**(Then opened her eyes)**__,____basking in the morning light, trying to convince herself that nothing was amiss.'_

OR

'_Magpie sat in a tree, staring at her perfect reflection, wishing she were less pretty and staring some more at her leather-clad clothes as her sooty hair, after which she had been named __**(EBONY SYNDROME ALERT!)**__, whistled in the wind, and she sat perfectly __**(un)-**__poised, waiting for __**(Jam:death? CouldBe: agonizing torture?) **__Something. __**(Bit of a let-down.)**__'_

You see now? Now, in these two examples, there were not enough adjectives, but we will give you more detailed instructions about description, later on in the book.

**Couldbe: *groaning and rubbing stomach* JAm! Are we doooooone? I still havn't had my tea break. And theres SOOOOO much left to do!  
>JAm: Couldbe, you have to hold THROUGH! Stop groaning! Otherwhilst slave-drive dud will whip you! Or stab you! Or whatever else!<br>Couldbe: I don't care!  
>JAm: NO! CouldBe, you mustn't give up! YOU MUSTN'T! If YOU, the closest thing to an optimist out of the two of us, give up, what hope in hell do I have?<br>CouldBe: You're right I suppose…alright *smiles* I'm good!**

_**Step right up! Yes, you sir, you madam, stop right there! Come on, don't be shy! There we go. Would you like a chance to win a giant teddy bear? I BET you would! All you have to do to enter, is press the blue button below, type a few good or bad words about how we did this chapter, and then tell us the worst Mary-sue name you have ever heard (or leave that bit out and just review, but you won't have even a slither of a chance of getting the Teddy, *scary voice:* and YOU KNOW that you want the TEDDY!)**_


	4. Movement and Elegance

_**I claim top! JAm here, just saying that, well, the last chap we posted was an unfinished version, so we've fixed that, and re-reading is advised. :) So, other than that, there's no problem, so I guess I should leave. :(**_

Movement and Elegance

Your (faultless) character should now have a name, nice appearance and an unbeatable sense of fashion. Next however, come her movement and elegance. Your Mary sue, especially in Fanfictions of books such as Inheritance, must override all levels of grace, even that of the elves. The easiest way to do this is by putting down an elf as soon as you have made it clear that your (faultless) character is beyond skilled at being beautiful. **(Since when is that a skill? Oh well, continue)**

Our example is one of Raven and Magpie turning up in Alagaesia and meeting one or two of the elves:

_Raven gazed around in wonder. Of course she didn't show that she was anxious, but in truth she really was. A pale faced, sharp eared creature stumbled from behind a bush, and Raven cleverly assumed it was an elf. The sight disappointed her. Weren't elves meant to be pretty? Maybe this was just a one off. Being polite, Raven flicked her hair, smiled and blinked at the creature.  
>"My name is Arya" the elf said, after a reasonably long time. The apparently 'pretty' elf, patted a log where Raven was supposed to sit. Raven padded cautiously towards it, twirled around and delicately lowered herself onto the dirty wood. Arya simple threw herself onto it, causing it to wobble and the elf to lose her balance…'<em>

Another way is to make the elves compliment her.

_Arya stared at Raven admiringly until she became quite sure Arya was a pervert. "Raven, we are nothing compared to you, your raw beauty has been the envy of millions, and we seek help from you, because of it. _**My mummy told me not to judge a book by its cover…**

How not to write it:

_Magpie screeched, stumbled forwards, stumbled backwards and eventually decided to trip ever entirely. In front of her stood none other than the famous Eragon himself. Squealing like a pig, Magpie threw herself on top of him and held his face between her hands, oblivious to the ring of swords that were pointing at her._

Your (faultless) character must always be composed and cool not matter the situation **(that way you can rid your character of the little depth you could have given her and turn her into the shallowest I-couldn't-even-drown-a-rat-in-it character (faultless, I may add) ever created)**

If things do become a little out of hand for your poor (faultless) character, you can easily make her faint, therefor escaping the danger. Often your (faultless) character is (magically) able to think while she is unconscious and can come up with a (faultless) solution for the problem/s in which she stood before.

Now, prettiness is only ALMOST always your key to survival, so your (faultless) character must also be able to fight. Now, I don't just ,mean fist-fighting, or even amateur knife fighting – I mean, proper, skilled, bow use, sword use, woodman-ship skills, perfect agility and, most enchantingly important, grace of movement. Say, for instance, that Arya decided to pick a fight with your (faultless) character. She, being stupid, violent and a poor diplomat, drew her sword and forced your (faultless) character to retaliate. It would look a little like this:

_Raven drew her sword delicately, hair dancing in the wind. The puny, foolish elf Arya stood opposite her, holding her sword unsteadily and sweating, and Raven let out an elegantly scary war cry and Lunged. Arya blocked shoddily, and was pushed back by the blow, so Raven nicked her across the shoulder. Arya whined a little and tried to go in for a direct attack, which was deflected by a very bored Raven, who decided to play a little. She smiled dazzlingly and jumped forwards, attacking and drawing back from the win the second Arya raised her weak sword. Might as well flatter the elf. Arya smiled, thinking she had won, but Raven flashed her sword up to the elf's neck when she got close. The game was getting boring._

As you see in the example shown, Raven defeats Arya without even making an effort. She is graceful and agile and her strike is like a cobra. You see? This is all so EASY!  
>Should your (faultless) character fall for Eragon, as in the case of Magpie, the woman you must humiliate the most is undoubtedly Arya. Less obvious is what you must do if your (faultless) character, in this case Raven and <em>Murtagh<em> is a match made in heaven. Not to worry if you don't know – We're here to help! **(But it's OBVIOUS!) **Should you be after Murtagh, then you must put down Nasuada. You see, she is your real competition there, and she is, undoubtedly, seen by hundreds as pretty, but we know better, don't we? Yes, yes we do! She is ugly, has the figure of a boy, half a dozen pimples and zits, never washes, is drunk and irresponsible, and is a terrible leader of the Varden **(CB: and yet has more depth in character than Raven will ever have JAm: *emphasizing sigh*) **When you go to the Varden, this is what it will, undoubtedly, look like – OR ELSE.

_Raven landed on her obsidian black dragon, Roslarb, and dismounted, surveying the Varden camp. She had been told it was impressive, but this was an ant-hole__** (JAm: lalalalalalala, not listening!)**__. ____All the soldiers were old men who had not bathed in weeks __**(CouldBe: welcome to the middle ages…) **__Eragon being the only thing resembling a cute boy, though he looked too much like an elf for her taste, and Nasuada was nowhere to be seen __**(JAm: LALAALAAAALALALALA**__). She stopped a gangly youth __**(Jarsha, so hard to remember, he only pops up half a million times!). **__  
>"Can you please take me to Nasuada?" she asked politely. The boy snapped out of his love-induced trance and nodded, beginning the path towards a tent and stopping every five seconds to stare at her some more. <em>_**(JAm: ). **__  
>Finally, they reached the tent. The boy rolled his eyes and shouted through the flap. "Lady Nasuada! Lady Nasuada! A dragon Rider is here!" There was the sound of a bottle being laid down and a fat, hideous looking woman stepped out of the flap…<em>

So you see, always take as long as possible to describe the movement and elegance…

Now, there are also a few other things to consider. Remember what I told you about clothes, children? Well, here is a good example of the cursed logic, demonstrated by Magpie in a tight, long dress with long, flappy sleeves.

_Magpie looked behind her. "Shoot!" she said and found the nearest tree – DAMN those heels were killing her! She couldn't risk taking them off and letting the soldiers behind her have them __**(Couldbe: I forgot, soldiers are so terribly fond of wearing high heels…JAm, what are we doing here? Can't we just give up and have a cup of tea?)**__, though, so she simply kept them on as she tried to clamber up the nearest tree. She hooked her arm around the lowest branch – curse those annoying sleeves – and tried to swing a leg up. Her dress wouldn't let her, and the soldiers were coming ever closer, so she pulled her other arm up as well flipped both her legs up… And lost her grip before her legs could hook.  
>"OW!" she moaned. That had been painful. One look at the soldiers behind her told her they wouldn't care about her crisis, so she simply took her heels off, threw them into a bush <em>_**(NO! those soldiers mustn't get them! NEVER!)**__, gritted her teeth and ripped her skirt. NOW she got up the tree without a problem and waited up there. The soldiers were beneath her and they had found her heels! She tried to climb higher, but her sleeve caught and ripped off. It fell to the floor. The soldiers looked up just in time to see her falling in a failed attempt to catch it…_

This is what would USUALLY happen. Now, your (faultless) character is special (and faultless, if I may say), so this would not happen to her unless she has to face the soldiers in a fight and beat them totally.

_Raven frowned at the pile of rubble. She had especially put on a long flowing white dress with loose lace sleeves and a pair of high heeled boots out of shiny white leather to look gorgeous as ever, only to be faced with a horrible challenge which would no doubt cover her dress in disgusting dirt. Never the less, she showed no weakness and quickly climbed the steep mound. While Nasuada and Eragon scrambled and crawled beneath her, she graciously picked her way and managed it to the top with the elegant speed only she could muster. She looked at her dress and smiled- there wasn't even a speck._

**CouldBe: mmm….tea…jammy dodgers…custard creams…milk…sugar…  
>JAm: stop hallucinating CB!<br>CouldBe: Oh…hello Jammy…  
>JAm: Well, I think you'll be pleased to hear…<br>CouldBe: WE GET A TEA BREAK? WHOOP WHOOP!  
>JAm: *sigh* unfortunately not, no but we're already 3 chapters in!<br>CouldBe: and how many until we're out?  
>JAm: …9<br>CouldBe: NGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
>JAm: I'm not sure that's a word. Why are you looking at me like that? with glazed eyes…and dribbling mouth…and…and…<br>CouldBe: are you deliberately trying to torture me?  
>JAm:…I'm not…<br>CouldBe: then why have you turned into a giant jammy dodger?**

**R.I.P Justmeagain123, may her spirit live on in the memories of her friends…**

_**JAm: nope I'm good, I'd like to stay on this level of earth thank you very much.  
>CouldBe: YAY! We're back in the italics!<strong>_

_**So anyways as always, we desire reviews. ! *ghoulish voice* I reckon the updates will become a little less frequent now, as unfortunately the holidays have drawn to an abrupt end (no fair, no one warned me :.(!) and there will be less spend-all-night-making-Mary-sue-jokes-sleepovers. Yes, I've said it before: REVIEW! Or someone will turn you into a giant biscuit, and no one's sure how long the chains will last on Couldbe, as for JAM…well it's just a matter of time…**_


	5. Speech

Well, you all have returned. If you have been following this **(CB: wretched, horrible, disgusting, tea-break stealing, slave-driver sending) **guide, your (ideal) character will now be so **(disgustingly, Mary-Sue-ishly) **graceful that she surpasses even the elves.

We will now move on to speech. Modest words, sweet, kind statements and the occasional insult or two are typical for your (ideal) character. Raven will demonstrate this in a situation in which she is dealing with a crowd of admirers praising her for saving Murtagh.

_Raven blushed, a faint pink lighting her cheeks. She looked away in humility. __**  
><strong>__"It was nothing," she murmured modestly and clearly___**JAm: well, in that case we can leave and get on with our lives! CouldBe: stop interrupting! JAm: WHY? Do you LIKE it? CouldBe: no, but there's only so much tea and biscuit withdrawal I can handle, now come mood swings, delusions…anyway; **_"Anyone else would have done it."  
>A jealous voice rang out.<br>"YEAH, see? If she'd LET me, I would have!" the crowd glared at their supposed leader. Raven, trying to be kind, smiled at the other fat, lazy, hung-over woman with pimples across her whole face.  
>"Yes, yes, you would have," she admitted in a patronizing tone. <em>**JAm: what an evil CouldBe: JAM! Shh! **_The crowd sighed and stared _**JAm: hatefully, realising what a Mary Sue… CB: JAM!**___Lovingly at Raven whose cheeks lit up rose again. _

As you see, she handles Nasuada perfectly and denies any great achievement. Here, now, Magpie faces a host of soldiers defending Eragon. **CouldBe: Well that's just a load of gibberish! What sort of a name is 'MAGPIE'? JAm: mood swings you say…**

"_No!" Magpie screeched. "That was an accident, and his hair grew BACK didn't it?"  
>The guards continued to glare. Magpie stamped her foot in frustration.<br>"UGH!" she screeched "Just because I'm CLEVERER and you're JEALOUS! It's not FAIR!" The guards looked unimpressed save for one who fainted.  
>Orrin helpfully came by.<br>"__**I**__ thought it was an impressive____bit of science," he offered "It explained to me something which had been puzzling me for days…"  
>"YES!" Magpie screeched "YES! I <em>_RULE__! ____I discovered it, see?" She told the guards ignoring Orrin's disgusted snort.  
>"See? My experiment helped a KING!"<br>The guards simply pointed their swords at her and the front one snarled "GO. AWAY!"_

Our lovely Magpie points out how NOT to make your (ideal) character speak.

**JAm: CouldBe, why are you sitting in the corner crying? CouldBe: *muttering* biscuits biscuits tea biscuits tea tea tea biscuits biscuits teeeeeea biscuits tea biscuits tea biscuits tea biscuits biscuits biscuits biscuits… JAm: these mood swings go by quickly, only a minute ago you were… CouldBe: *smiling and singing* The rain is gone! The sun is bright; I see new meaning in my life!**

In face of a situation which calls for verbal insult, go for highly clever things like 'I hate you!' or 'you're vile' or any swearword known to man. (I also recommend the use of the word 'pervert' somewhere among your amazing chapters.) They subtly underline the fact that the insulted is not wanted. **CB: subtly? **Also it makes for easily understood drama which will, no doubt, impress your readers. Now, of course, consider what might happen if, for example, your (ideal) character paid something. You as the writer want the others to CARE. Therefor you have to do something like this:

_Raven smiled dazzlingly at Eragon and Murtagh both of which had just asked for her hand in marriage.  
>"I'm sorry," she said wisely "I cannot marry both of you," Both gasped in horror. Raven could tell what they were thinking: <em>_**CB: she's telepathic TOO? Wow, this girl IS talented **__which would she pick?  
>"But my love!" Murtagh said<br>"I love you" Raven smiled sadly at the two. She knew who she was going to choose before she opened her mouth __**JAm: I'm told that's what normal people TEND to do…**__"I know," she said __**JAm: Oh you do? Sorry for reminding you. **__"I..I love you. I will accept your offer…Murtagh."  
>Eragon broke down crying.<br>Murtagh did the happy dance._

Both boys care deeply about every word she says. After all, your (ideal) character IS the main (and ideal) character of your fic. ALL the characters either LOVE her or ENVY her.

How not to write a…dramatic scene:

_Magpie threw herself on her knees in front of Eragon "ERAGON!" she yelled dramatically, "will you marry me?"  
>Eragon blinked at her slowly "you're twelve…"<br>"I don't care! MARRY ME ERI! MARRY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
>Eragon turned to leave.<br>"NO! Eragon, please listen! I know I'm not the prettiest,"  
>Eragon nodded "…cleverest,"<br>Eragon nodded "most skilful,"  
>Eragon nodded "most talented,"<br>Eragon nodded "most modest,  
>Eragon nodded "funniest…"<br>Eragon nodded "…girl, but I have some good qualities!"  
>Eragon sighed "What would those be?" he asked eventually.<br>"LOVE!"  
>Eragon walked away.<em>

There are several things wrong. Can you spot them? 1. Magpie sounds FAR too desperate 2. There isn't enough description 3. Magpie admits faults, which (ideal) characters should not do **JAm: Mary sue rule 1: NO FAULTS WHATSOEVER **4. Eragon rejects and even INSULTS her and she just let it slide by.  
>Sorry, Magpie, better luck next time.<p>

**CouldBe: You have NO idea how lucky you are!  
>JAm: come again…<br>CouldBe: NO IDEA I tell you. You have a house!  
>JAm: so do you!<br>CouldBe: family!  
>JAm: *sigh*<br>CouldBe: cool shoes!  
>JAm: why thank you!<br>CouldBe: they're not that great…  
>JAm: oh…<br>CouldBe: I'm scared *rolls into ball*  
>JAm: any chance of getting a therapist, a psychologist or the number of Looney bin?<br>CouldBe: *still in ball* 0205674839**

_**YAY! Just to mention, more teddy bears are still there to win! We have had a couple of entries, but we are STILL searching for THE master name-finder or inventor! Entries must be in before the release of the next chapter! (one-three days) Meanwhile don't forget to review! The button is awaiting you!**_


	6. Description

Description

We have reached the most important factor of writing and creating a good **and shallow **(picturesque) character. Descriptions must contain an uncountable amount of adjectives and an exact account of each and every item your (picturesque) character puts on. These are the most gripping parts of story but intense moments, fight scenes and arguments must also have their fair share of description.

**CouldBe: Jam, someone's watching us…  
>JAm: how long do the delusions last?<br>CouldBe: not long, why?  
>JAm: was that it then?<br>CouldBe: most probably, but next comes…  
>JAm: what?<br>CouldBe:…  
>JAm: WHAT?<br>CouldBe:…**

Intense moments: how NOT to write them…

_Magpie stared at the Urgal that towered over her.  
>"Oh…h…h…hi?" she stuttered stumbling backwards. The urgal grunted at her. Magpie ran for her life, panting desperately and choking on her own spit.<em>

As you can see, there aren't enough adjectives, Magpie is atrociously cowardly and becomes scared. How to do it properly:

_Raven glanced up at the fat, ugly and hairy beast before her. Her beautifully sparkling silver-gold marbled orbs glared at the hideous brown splotch of a face so angrily but cutely that the Urgal shivered in fear. 'What a freak' Raven thought, smiling, flicking her midnight-coloured hair back and finally opened her eyes. __**JAm: indeed, that's a very common habit, I see people doing that ALL the time. The other day my friend fell down the stair because she hadn't gotten to opening her eyes quite yet. **_

Unless your (picturesque) character is one of the fighters, it is advised to write off all fights as uninteresting or uneventful. This is easily done with short sentences such as: 'Then they had a big fight'

_Raven stepped opposite Nasuada, who was standing, her disgustingly fat legs spread apart and her pimply unwashed ugly face in an ugly snarl. She made a feeble attempt to attack, but Raven, elegant as ever and with a face prettier than heaven, easily dodged her. When Nasuada had caught her breath, she tried again.  
>Raven simply lifted her sword to protect her well-curved body from the blow. Then she, with her impressive swordsmanship skills, pointed the sword at Nasuada <em>_**(JAm: really, is pointing a sword at someone SO difficult?) **__ and smiled apologetically. "face it Nasuada, the people want me to be their leader, stop being such a spoilt brat and step down"_

**JAm: I'm getting a little worried about you CouldBe. Respond! Say something! COME ON!**

**CouldBe: ****in weak voice:**** …biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihsc…  
>JAm: come again?<br>Couldbe: !  
>JAm: bicuit?<br>CouldBe: ****deep breath**** TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA AND…*collapses*  
>JAm: Couldbe? COULDBE? ! !<br>**

Do NOT however, do this:

_Magpie, tripping over her own feet, flung herself at Eragon, sword in hand. "Marry me!" she insisted. Eragon drew his sword, looking more worried than he would have liked.  
>"Is there something wrong with your HEAD?" he yelled, narrowly missing the untimed slash of Magpie's sword. "I DON'T want to marry you! What on earth is the matter with you?"<br>Magpie dropped onto her knees, slicing the tip of her finger off as she did so.  
>"but I love you Eri, I REEEEEEEALLY do! That must count for SOMETHING!"<br>Eragon shook his head in amazement, and putting his sword into it's sheath, he turned on his heal muttering "that girl needs a doctor…"_

**JAm: CouldBE! Listen, listen! Please don't die! Look, I have a biscuit, LOOK!  
>CouldBe: <strong>**opening one eye, and with laboured breath gasping:**** bisciiiiiiiiiiiiet?  
>JAm: YES! See! *<strong>**stuffs biscuit into CouldBe's mouth*****  
>CouldBe: *<strong>**smiling***** mmmmmmm…Bisciiiiiiiiiiiiiet.**

Arguments

Now, I suppose you know the rules by now: Your character must look amazing, while the one she's arguing with must look… Absolutely awful. Raven, again, demonstrates first:

_Raven glared at Nasuada in a pretty, yet terrifying way._

"_No, I will not!" she told the fat, ugly woman daintily, but angrily. Nasuada sighed warily and took a shaky, unsteady (from drunkenness – the so-called 'leader' was ALWAYS drunk) step back._

"_Raven, please!" she cried in a nasal voice. "I am the leader of the Varden, please be sensible!" The 'leader' attempted a commanding voice using a phrase she had picked up from her advisor, but she still sounded like a five-year-old brat._

"_No, Lady Nasuada," Raven replied, annoyed, though you couldn't hear or see it – but she could. "You are not fit to lead the Varden in this drunken haze, and that's that. I will not be argued with!" she said determinedly to the more-than-just-tipsy woman in front of her, who was now attempting to rub at a spot at the same time as downing the rest of a tankard of mead – and failing miserably._

"_But – but - the PEOPLE appointed me!"_

"_Only because Eragon suggested it, remember? You are absolutely hopeless and I, for one, hate you!"_

_Nasuada was thrown of guard and staggered at this stinging retort. Raven's obsidian locks tumbled in the breeze._

"_But – But" – _

"_No," Raven cut her off with just the right amount of aggression – enough to get the point across, not too much to look absolutely stunning. "I won, fair and square. I cut myself more times during the Trial of the long Knives" – here, Raven showed her scars that were already fading – seven in all – "I won the game of Runes," here, a group of elves paused their admiring of Raven's beauty to nod – "And finally, I defeated you in a swordfight. You wish to argue now?"_

_Nasuada stepped back again, her own hair whipping around in an uncomplimentary fashion. "Ye"- she stopped at the suddenly dangerous look in Raven's stormy eye, which was flecked with sea-green and amethyst violet. "N-No," she stammered weakly. Raven nodded her satisfaction. _

"_You saved your life, Nasuada… This time."_

As you see, Raven was described numerous times, her eyes having new colours added to them to make them seem even MORE special. She defeats Nasuada in a lot of competitions (it's mentioned – this counts as description – WRITE THIS DOWN, YOU LOT) and Nasuada looks foolish and weak.

How NOT to do it:

_Magpie screamed at Arya. _

"_I want him BACK!" she screeched. "You stole my Eri-Werri from me and you will GIVE HIM BACK!" Arya regarded the strange, shrieking girl coldly._

"_Listen, Magpie," she said flatly, "I will NOT repeat myself. I have not 'stolen' Eragon from you. He does not love you, he loves me. I am not playing with him – I simply do not return the affection. I think of him as a friend and I treat him as such, and it's not my fault or my doing that the follows me around like a puppy. Nor that he dislikes you." Magpie's eyes grew big enough to rival SpongeBob's._

"_He… He WHAT? You hate me! I know you do! Now" – Magpie gained a certain aggression suddenly. It wasn't pretty, or graceful, but there was a gleam in her eye that usually meant insult. "You are so PATHETIC, elf. You… You love him, can't admit it, and can't stand others having him. So LEAVE ME AND ERI ALONE!" Arya rolled her eyes just slightly._

"_Where did you get THAT idea from?" she asked. Magpie sighed._

"_Fanfiction, of course!" she said in her best I-know-better-than-you voice – the same one that got her bullied in school._

"_Look, whatever THAT is, it is either intentionally lying or severely mistaken," Arya explained patiently. "I. Do. Not. Love. Eragon. I will NEVER love Eragon. And I have never loved Eragon. He will, one day, move on to the next female dragon rider, or some other elf girl, or even several mortals. But… He dislikes you. It. Is. Not. My. Fault. Got it?" Arya's stance became defensive and guarded, a pose Magpie knew from the books. _

"_Yes, P-Princess!" she squeaked. "D-don't kill me!" With that, the girl ran away to avoid being fixed by the unnerving Arya blank façade. _

Who can see it? Yes, correct. The difference is clear, I think.

**JAm: CouldBe! Swallow! Swallow damn you!  
>CouldBe: I smell tea…<br>JAm: It IS tea, now swallow it!  
>CouldBe: *sip, gulp*…<br>JAm: CouldBe?  
>CouldBe: *jumps up* AGH! WAA! Where am I? Oh, hello Jammy, hows life? Why are you so pale? You look as pale as a banana, no wait bananas are yellow! Find something which is pale and maybe the young man will still give you the points.<br>JAm: phew, your back to normal. Wait, hang on… YOU CALLED ME JAMMY! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! *attacks CouldBe with a weird snarly noise*  
>CouldBe: Whoa! Calm it. And hang on yourself, did you just save me with tea and biscuits?<br>JAm:…yes.  
>CouldBe: would you call that a tea break?<br>JAm: not exactly…  
>CouldBe: Well what the hell did you bring me back to life for? That's just bullying! How dare you Jammy *very large battle involving bananas, teacups, empty biscuit packets and numerous other strange objects*<strong>

_**Okey dokey! End of chappie! Yay! So if you like Magpie better than Raven, visit our profile page and vote on our poll. If you like Raven better than Magpie, do the same. If you like Misty Mist Mist Mistiness best, you know what to do! The losers die. That's a very dark place to end, so I'll do this; the winner of the teddy bear is who we assume to be 'the ghost who walks' but aren't sure 'cos the name is missing with the Sue name Evel'laina Mid'nite shad'dow'hunt'rez. Vote on the poll and message us to receive your teddy! (also, you'll get a free goody-bag if you check out our other fanfics 'messed-up?'. **_**  
><strong>


	7. Personality

Personality

Your (unbeatable) character now needs a personality. This is not a very important or interesting subject, and it may be skipped if you think you know what to do.  
>There are following rules which must be kept when it comes to the (unbeatable) character's personality:<br>-Your (unbeatable) character should always be cool, calm and collected **(CouldBe: isn't that just the same thing just three different words? Jam: meh…)  
><strong>-your (unbeatable) character should only become 'attached' aka, 'in love' with another character, once he has proven himself a worthy match, confessed love at least twice and made several gifts (there are exceptions to this rule) **(CouldBe: are we paid for this? JAm: no, but we don't get whipped Couldbe: hmm… whatever happened to 'an exception disproves the rule' anyway?)  
><strong>-your(unbeatable) character should never show her weak spots **(JAm: *shaking head solemnly* she cannot, she has none)  
><strong>-your (unbeatable) character should only cry in private (if ever)  
>-your (unbeatable) character must view her elegance and beauty as a curse <strong>(CouldBe: Yup, they have more modesty problems then me! JAm: Why am I so intellegant? It's a curse! A ******* curse I tell you! CouldBe: uh…My immortal quote time? *hisses:* stay on script!) <strong>  
>-she must be brave, modest, charming, and any other good adjective you can find.<p>

It is very simple really, to have a PERFECT (and unbeatable) character, she must BE a perfect (your forgetting unbeatable again!) character in every way possible. **(CB: It be called a 'Mary-sue' down round my way! Legend has it that these disgustingly perfect creatures roamed the earth once, many years ago, and threw mindlessly ridiculous statements and unbelievably impossible actions around the land of pens and paper, all because some half-hearted writers wanted their self-inserts to be everything they were not. JAm: shhhh! Your insulting slave-drivey dude! CB: oops, sorry!)**

_**We apolagise sincerely for the shortness of this chapter, but there simply isn't much to write about in the subject of 'PERSONALITY'. On the 'who has the best Mary-Sue name' Poll on our profile, Magpie is winning with 3 votes and Raven and Misty are drawing with 1 vote each. That makes five unique voters, and we want more! So move that clever little mouse (the mechanical one) onto our name, click it and VOTE! As always: read and review, and also give us some ideas what to write next! The ghost who walks has told us to do a chappie about Sue-deaths (yup, we're doing it) so, any other suggestions! Yours dearly CB and JAm *bow***_


	8. Other Characters

**We are VERY sorry for the very long break in our publishing, but you know, 'stuff' got in the way. Que Sera sera. What can I say? We had exams, report cards and all sorts of unimportant things such as that (err…what?) Also there was Chinese New Year…and a very strange spy movie we decided to film…and the cupcakes. (EVOL! EVOOOOOOOOOOL CUPCAKES!)**

**Anyways, here's our next chappie:**

Other characters

Of course other characters need their own opinions and ideas, but the readers will find it much more interesting if your (immaculate) character's ideas are always superior. One way to do this is so:

_Raven sat primly opposite Nasuada in the fat, pimpled leader's tent. Nasuada had called war council, but it quickly became apparent that she only wanted to have her attack planned for her as she stared hungrily at Murtagh who wrapped an arm around Raven's slender figure protectively and stared at her obsidian-black, lustrous locks that fluttered gently in the breeze and highlighted her grey, gold-blue-violet flecked eyes.  
>Raven listened politely as Nasuada opened the council.<br>"I think…we should attack Belatona with __**….. (I couldn't read your writing at this point, sorry!)  
><strong>__She slurred, propping her feet up on the table.  
>Murtagh looked scandalized, Eragon cutely bemused and Raven stood up to grace the crowd with her melodic voice.<br>"Roslark and I shall talk to the villagers of Belatona and convince them to join the Varden" she announced "and if they do not listen, we will fight them. We will win,"  
>Everybody clapped and cheered and they all agreed that Raven's plan was best.<em>

So you see! Not only are there some marvellous descriptions in Raven's council, but she has the winning idea as well. How NOT to do it: **(CB: Magpie has returned! OLAY, OLAY, OLAY! JAm: So you've recovered then? CB: from what? JAm: your biscuit and tea withdrawal! CB: oh, THAT thing) **

_Magpie sniffed and nodded at Katrina who sat opposite her. She was the only sympathetic person Magpie could grab hold of, and she was going to stick to her like a slug does a flowerpot.  
>Moving closer she began to speak in a low whisper.<br>"I'm going to assassinate Eragon" ignoring Katrina's alarmed gaze, Magpie continued before she could get the wrong idea "with my love!"  
>Katrina sighed "yes…" she let out in deadpan.<br>Magpie giggled "I'll tie him up and force him to marry me!" she cried gleefully.  
>Katrina sighed, again. "It won't work,"<br>Magpie scowled "WHAT?" She screeched "so you don't like me plan do you?" Katrina leapt up and ran, narrowly missing the swirling high-heel that was hurled after her. (Little did Magpie know that these would be the unfortunate shoes she'd have to give up while climbing a tree)?  
>Magpie glowered at the ground. She wasn't a very good slug.<em>

As you see here, Magpie has almost no description, there was a weak attempt at humour and the only other person in the area disagreed with Magpie's idea, hereby proving Magpie to be far inferior. THAT will simply NOT do. ESPECIALLY when you're (immaculate) character is being compared to a slug.

Another thing to consider is the nature of the canon (invented by CP) characters. Do you _honestly _believe that readers want to see your (immaculate) characters STRUGGLE to get the introverted Murtagh, or perhaps fail to seduce the INNOCENT Eragon? **(CB: yeah kinda…) **NO!** (JAM; aww!) **They want to see Murtagh open up like a book to your dear (and immaculate) character and fall instantly in love. They want to see Eragon forget Arya for your (immaculate) character. OOC is PRAISE dear friends! OOC, a precious number in the oh so difficult equation that makes up you amazingly breath taking super** SUE **fanfiction.

_Raven strolled by through the forest, Murtagh at her side. She looked up at him and he smiled lovingly.  
>"Raven, I love you!" he told her. Raven kissed him lightly, smoothing her crimson dress. But Raven sensed something.<br>"What's wrong Murtagh?" _she asked caringly. He had not yet spoken but the couple were, after two days, close enough that Raven could tell something was wrong **(with her telekinesis! That's an allusion to My Immortal by the ways. *shudder* we called it an allusion? My, my, the flu has caught up with us!) **_**  
><strong>__"Nasuada," he said fearfully, his voice breaking and his lower lip trembling. "She wants me to go to Galbatorix castle and out again to 'test' me, and then she wants to…reward me"  
>Raven gasped.<em>

So you see, by putting Murtagh and Nasuada entirely out of character, you can make the situation interesting.

TOP TIP: don't mind if it doesn't make much sense, you can always backtrack later, or make a more detailed explanation.

**(JAm: so basically…ruin the story? CB: oui madame!)**

Now you not only know about Names, Appearance, Movement and Elegance, Speech, Descriptions, Personality but also what to do with other characters. We are over half way through the guide and as you now know the most necessary basics of a good (quit forgetting immaculate!) fanfiction character, we thought we could name you some amazing **SUE ** stories:

Imma wiserd  
>My Immortal<p>

Though they have been taken off Fanfiction, for reasons unknown to mankind, there are many reposts of them …

_**Posting will hopefully become a little more frequent again after this ;D so yeahs…  
>CB: hey, whatever happened to the slave-driver dude?<br>JAm: Oh he…I don't know.  
>CB: I'm stunned!<br>JAm: what?  
>Cb: you admitted you didn't know something! *runs around the room cheering and dancing…badly*<br>JAm: why did I bring you back to life again?  
>CB: what are you talking about?<br>JAm: your biscuit breakdown, that's what!  
>Cb: do we have any biscuits?<br>JAm: do you ever listen ACTUALLY listen to me?  
>CB: pardon?<br>JAm: URGH!**_

_**As always; review! And we haven't had many suggestions about 'extra chappies'! and don't go about forgetting about our poll! It's very sensitive and will get VERY upset…(this is first-hand knowledge! *rubs stab wound*)**_


	9. Gary Stues

***crawl back onto fanfiction as though they had not just been away for absolutely ages***

Good Male Characters **(Gary Stues)**

**(Also known as Gary Stewes, Marty Stues or Barry Stues)** These are the PERFECT soul-mates for your (impeccable) character.

Stunningly good-looking, eloquent, a good fighter and a kind lover are only a few of the many characteristics of these wonderful males. **CouldBe: erm…stunningly good looking is a characteristic? JAm: no…but this is…you know. **We'll have to go back to square one for this: **CB+JAm: !**

NAMES

Names usually include these patterns:  
>1. title-noun-adjective-noun= Kinghunter shadow darkest midnight<br>2. Title-noun-noun= Shadowryder Thunder Storm  
>3. Name-title-adjective-noun= Rey Lightwielder Silver Sound<p>

Now the accessories

1. Shadow'ryder Thun'der storm

2. Rey Lightwielder silver-sound

As you see, two is the limit, and we have introduced the 'hyphen'. **(Stu)** names are best with hyphens if you want to give them a very masculine and quick personality.

APPEARANCE 

Suitable haircolours: Bronze, Gold, Storm-black, midnight black, golden-red, auburn, silver, star-coloured, honey-coloured  
>suitable eyecolours: Chocolate, sea green, forest green, ocean blue, blue-green, gold, silver, black, crimson, blood-red <strong>(P*ss yellow, snot green, cat-vomit pink)<br>**suitable materials (for clothes): leather, loin cloth, satin, chainmail, rough cloth, **JAm: so…everything? *sigh***

**Rightio, it's a short chapter, we know *beam* but we promise we'll have the next one out soon, it's already all typed out, only the finishing touches to go ;) anyways; **

**The next chapter will be dedicated to whoever can name the three twilight references in this chappie (for any twilight fans reading: no, it is not good that there are twilight references in a MARY SUE GUIDE)**


	10. Triggers and Hissy Fits

Triggers and Hissy fits

**CB: uh-oh…  
>jAm: why…?<br>CB: I'll just…erm…go hide. *hides*  
>jAm: but WHY?<br>CB: *continues to hide* b-b-because it's MARY SUE HISSY FITS!  
>jAm: *goes and hides* …and me with a gun with a trigger… *shows gun*<br>CB: guns have triggers…I'd never have guessed *facepalm***

Now that we have come this far, we must let you into the deep dark secret. Even the most perfect (and seamless) character can feel sad sometimes. In fact, you may find that your (seamless) character will seem more sympathetic if she gets unbelievably upset. She can do this when following occasions and situations arrive;

~Your character misinterprets an old tattoo or fairth for their crush/boyfriend cheating on them. (Obviously it then turns out that that is either not true and, for example, an evil plan of another adorer to catch your (seamless) character's attention or it happened a long time ago)

~The crush "dies"

~The crush must be "killed" by your (seamless) character (or else)

Hissy fits involve crying tears of blood, slitting wrists, the yelling of your (seamless) character at her boyfriend/friends, and other variations thereof.

Examples, how to:

_Raven smiled lovingly at Murtagh, peering curiously around his room in expectant joy. She discovered a corner of grey stone behind a curtain with her sharp eyesight. Crossing the room and pulling it from its hiding place, Raven gasped, dropping the detailed picture of Nasuada.  
>"MURTAGH HOW COULD YOU!" she cried cleverly, hiding her face behind her obsidian coloured hair to hide her tears of blood.<br>"No…Raven! You, don't understand!" Murtagh whimpered.  
>Raven shook her head, leaving the room dramatically "no! I don't want to hear it!"<em>

_Two days later, Raven was kneeling beside Murtagh's lifeless corpse sobbing cutely. Her straight ebony hair fell before her, hiding her hands which covered her face as she cried heartbrokenly. A few limpid silver tears splashed onto the battleground, washing away the blood that had fallen.  
>A warm hand touched her shoulder. "Come on, Raven," Eragon said softly. "You can't help him." Raven nodded sadly turned away just in time not to see Murtagh's eyelids flutter just slightly. <em>

Examples, how not to:

_Magpie shook her head in frustration. So now that horrible wretch Raven was trying to steal her lovely Eri-Werri from her too! This would NOT go unnoticed! She started sprinting over towards the man of her dreams. Suddenly a small black dragon hologram appeared from nowhere screaming with a booming voice that hurt her head "Kill Eragon, or Galbatorix will kill you, your family and everyone else too! Except Raven and Eragon" then it vanished.  
>Magpie blinked. "huh? What? What the fluck are you talking about?" she blinked again. "oh…oh no!" Magpie threw herself on the ground, tears filled with snot and vomit streaming down her face. "how could it be!" she stretched her arms into the air. "WHY?" she dribbled miserably.<em>

**CB: this. Is. So. Ridiculous. It's. Not. Even. Funny.  
>jAm: *bang*<br>CB: OW! *clutches arm* you shot me!  
>jAm: s-sorry…I was just SO APPALLED at the…disgusting excuses for EXAMPLES we just had to WRITE! :(<br>CB: *pale* you…you can die from blood loss can't you? *tries to get up* AGH…how come I'M the one who always has to half-die!  
>jAm: THAT'S what you care about?<br>CB: erm…good point…get me to a hospital please *faint*  
>jAm: I CAN'T! I forgot my phone and I can't drive! I CAN'T EVEN STEAL A MOTORBIKE!<br>CB: *wakes up* THEN CARRY ME!**

Top Tip: Hissy fits are the ONLY time your (seamless) character is allowed to lose her calm and collected self. (You may want to write this bit down again kids!)

The reactions;

If you take option one, in which your (seamless) character has found out that their lover, was "cheating" on them, the easiest way out is to get the boyfriend to beg for her to return to him. (Possibly naked…)

If you take option two, the easiest way out is something along the lines of;

_Murtagh's eyes opened and he stood up silently and touched Raven's shoulder. "Raven," he said softly. She turned around, pink-cheeked and with silver tears still glistening in her wide, green, violet-and-gold-flecked eyes. Lovelier than ever. Then, a gentle smile spread across her face, lighting up her features, and the smile was for Murtagh alone.  
>"You're alive," she said, then threw her arms around him. "I love you."<em>

If you take option three, it is easy to write it off as an empty threat, after all, you don't want the attention shifting too much towards the possible victim.

Other character's Hissy fits

This is a very useful tool in situations such as battle scenes, arguments and tense moments in which your (seamless) character must choose between two adorers. It can also be used to make the villain or rival can be made to look foolish and immature. **  
><strong> 


	11. Self Esteem Issues

Self-esteem issues

Now that we have more or less finished the basics of our dearest (unimpeachable) characters **CB: oh just say Mary Sues already! **We can move on to more technical difficulties, and those are the self-esteem issues of both the author and the (unimpeachable) character.

The Author

We come now to the horrible truth; there will be some people, some horrible people **jAm: how DARE you? HOW DARE you call me horrible? CB: I ought to be insulted…I really ought to…but I'm not HAHAHAHAHAHAA! **Who will take every opportunity to put you and your amazing story down. **jAm: what? Oh no…I know where this is going…DON'T WRITE IT! DON'T WRITE IT CB! CB: *sob* *tries to hold pen away from paper* MUST. STAY. STRONG! *pen jerks forwards* NO! Body…so…weak…need…a…biscuit…  
><strong>these, dear friends, are called FLAMES. Some of these 'flamers' may even put it down as "constructive criticism" but DO NOT BE FOOLED! These are low-life scumbags whose life aim it is to insult you! **jAm: or help you…there's a reason it's CONSTRUCTIVE. Oh wait, this is a flame. SOWEE! :( **

Now some of these flames will contain strange phrases such as 'you should rename your (unimpeachable) character to Mary Sue' which, of course, is absolute gibberish, what are these 'Mary Sues' I hear you ask. **CB: tip; we wrote you a guide how to make one…**well, that is unimportant… **repeat that last sentence in a stereotypical German accent; Vell, zat iz der unimportante…heheheh…sorry, we'll go now. **

The best way to deal with this is something like this:

_Dear Author *cough Suethor*,  
>I would like to inform you that, beside the fact that I can barely read your story for the spelling mistakes, I have to admit, with all due respect, that your character is a bit of a …well…a Mary Sue. I think your story shows potential, and I mean this from the heart when I say this; this is merely constructive criticism. You may want to recheck your grammar and spelling and figure out a fixed plotline so there aren't any inconsistencies over the chapters.<br>Awaiting your response,  
>TheFlameExample<em>

Your reply and retaliation would have to look a little like this:

_TheFlameExample: F*** U! Ur a stpuid b****! Mi splelins fine1111 nd mu grmers prfct! Do u even hav a life?111111 Raven is called RAEVN nut Mry Su, and wats inconsistencies?111  
>From; You<em>

You can also deliver quite a sting when you continue the next chapter and introduce a stand-in insert who represents your flamer;

_Raven glanced at the weak, snivelling, cheesy-pale thing in front of her. Was it even human? "I am Raven," she said softly, smiling kindly and flicking her hair.  
>"You're called Mary Sue," the THING retorted stupidly. "I am Flame and you suck." Raven gasped delicately.<br>"You…" she said angrily. "I do not suck! I am the leader of the Varden! Who do you think you are?"  
>"I am Flame," Flame replied, trying to copy Raven's imposing, firm tone. "I am the daughter of the leader of this town, and I'm here to STOP YOU!"<br>Raven drew her sword.  
><em>**jAm: to spare you the nap – we're evil – we've cut the fight scene. Essentially, it goes; Raven beats the snot out of Flame, Flame dies stupidly and everyone cheers Raven on. Happy?  
>Slave driver dude: *raises whip* what was that?<strong>

How NOT to cope with flames:

_Dear Author *cough Suethor*,  
>I would like to inform you that, beside the fact that I can barely read your story for the spelling mistakes, I have to admit, with all due respect, that your character is a bit of a …well…a Mary Sue. I think your story shows potential, and I mean this from the heart when I say this; this is merely constructive criticism. You may want to recheck your grammar and spelling and figure out a fixed plotline so there aren't any inconsistencies over the chapters.<br>Awaiting your response,  
>TheFlameExample<em>

Magpie's creator replies:

_OMG! I AM SO SORRY! I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I'LL DELETE THE STORY! I'LL WORK ON IT! I PROMISE! PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!_

I think we all know what's wrong with this reply; it's weak, desperate and APOLOGETIC and that is unacceptable!

_Magpie sat on a rock on the outskirts of the Varden camp, planning out her latest scheme to get Eragon's hand in marriage when an unbelievably beautiful girl appeared before her. She had glittering glass-green eyes and golden hair until her waist that swayed gently in the wind. "I am Flame," the girl explained.  
>Magpie collapsed onto the floor, arms outstretched and knees bent, praying to her. "OH HOLY ONE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY WRONG-DOINGS!"<br>Flame blinked "I …uh, I haven't said…"  
>"I SHALL HAIL YOU! I SHALL BRING YOU WONDERFUL GIFTS FROM FAR AWAY LANDS!"<br>"you misunderstand…" the new girl attempted to interrupt, failing miserably.  
>"I SHALL NAME MY CHILDREN AFTER YOU! Let's see…the boy shall be called Ash, and the girl shall be called…fiery? No…FLAMESSA! That's it!"<br>The Flame sighed "all I wanted to ask was whether or not you had a biscuit so that CB doesn't die again" she vanished, leaving Magpie sobbing on the floor happily.  
>"my dear god has blessed me with the third chapter of SEEBEE!"<em>

**CB: there are too many exclamation marks in this chapter.  
>jAm: THERE ARE NOT!<br>CB: !  
>jAm: !<br>CB: !**

The Character

Quite obviously your (unimpeachable) character must always have her wits and nerve about her, no matter how bad things become.


End file.
